Discovering that your teen is self-harming may be frightening and overwhelming. Your initial reaction may be panic, anger, or guilt. Take a breath. Self-harm is not normally about the desire to die. It is often a method of coping with intense emotional pain.
Self-harm may consist of cutting, burning, scratching, or hitting oneself. It may be covered up by long sleeves or explained away as accidents. Teens are often deeply ashamed of it, and therefore, secrecy is common.
According to national youth mental health data, emergency room visits for self-injury/self-harm among adolescents have increased dramatically in recent years. This is how serious and prevalent this problem has become.
Why Teens Self-Harm
Teens may self-harm to:
- Release overwhelming emotions
- Feel something when numb
- Regain a sense of control
- Punish themselves
- Communicate pain that they can’t verbally express
It may temporarily lower emotional tension, reinforcing the behavior. But the relief is short-lived and often followed by shame.
What To Do Immediately
Stay calm. Your reaction sets the tone. If you react with anger or panic, your teen will shut down.
- Ask open questions. “Can you explain to me what’s been happening?” is more effective than “Why would you do this?”
- Listen more than you speak. Don’t lecture or threaten with consequences.
- Remove immediate tools if necessary. Do this calmly and safely.
- Seek professional support. Therapy is highly recommended.
If your teen says they are suicidal, or you feel they may be in immediate danger, call emergency services or call the 988 Lifeline (988lifeline.org). It offers round-the-clock free and confidential support by call or text.
What Not To Do
- Do not minimize it (“It’s just a phase.”)
- Do not shame them
- Don’t Promise Secrecy If Safety Is At Risk
- Don’t just focus on stopping the behavior without addressing the pain that is causing it.
- Self-harm (a symptom) is not the core problem.
Developing Safer Coping Skills
Teens need alternatives that help to regulate out-of-control emotions. This may include:
- Deep breathing or grounding exercises
- Physical outlets, such as squeezing ice or snapping a rubber band
- Journaling
- Drawing or music
- Talking with a trusted adult
Therapy, specifically strategies aimed at teaching emotional regulation skills, can make a huge difference in terms of self-harming behaviors.
The Mindfulness Workbook for Kids provides guided practice in teaching calming strategies, body awareness, and identifying emotions. While this is not a substitute for therapy, it can aid in skill-building at home.
Ongoing Support
Recovery takes time. Relapses can happen. Focus connection, not control.
Let your teen know:
- You are not angry
- You want to understand
- They are not alone
- Help is available
- The power of persistent reassurance
When to Call for Crisis Support
If your teen speaks of wanting to die, or feeling hopeless, or has a plan for suicide, take this as an emergency. Call or text 988 immediately. The 988 Lifeline connects families with trained counselors who can help them begin the next steps.
You do not need to go through this alone.
Self-harm is serious, but it is treatable. With calming support, professional help, and better coping skills, teens can learn to cope with emotional pain in healthier ways.